These alliances where one or both people are non-heterosexual often occur due to family pressure and the fear of social stigma. They are common but they mostly lead to unhappy unions and unpleasant consequences
January 29, 2024
The Malayalam movie ‘Kaathal -The Core’ portrayed the plight of a couple in a lavender marriage
Chennai: The mangalsutra was purchased, the house was all decked up, and relatives had begun trickling in from all parts of the country. But as the D-day drew near, Ramesh* began getting panic attacks. Finally, two days before his wedding, he approached a counsellor for help.
“I knew I was gay from my teenage years. Though we never openly spoke about it, my parents also knew I was gay but still wanted me to get married to a woman,” says the 32-year-old software professional who is based in Bengaluru. Though he initially refused to enter wedlock, their emotional blackmail finally wore him down. “The counsellor I met spoke to my parents, but they threatened to kill themselves if I refused to listen. I went ahead with the marriage but got divorced a few years later as both of us were miserable.”
In a society where there is familial, social and cultural pressure to get married, lavender marriages — heterosexual marriages where one or both people are non-heterosexual – are common. Though it’s often not the choice of the queer person, these marriages, meant to conceal the sexual orientation or gender identity of one or both partners, are entered into to avoid social stigma. But it can have far-reaching consequences as often the partner is not aware of the sexual orientation of his or her spouse, and both parties remain trapped in an unhappy union.
During the legal battle for marriage equality in the Supreme Court, senior advocate Saurabh Kirpal said that the prevention of queer marriages in India by not granting them legal recognition, may lead to lavender marriages between men and women, where one or both partners are homosexual.
In recent times, lavender marriages have also been portrayed in mainstream cinema. For instance, Malayalam film director Jeo Baby portrayed the plight of a couple in a lavender marriage in his movie, ‘Kaathal – The Core’.
“Only people who have experienced it will know the real trauma involved,” says Sreeja*, a 38-year-old woman from Kerala. “I fell in love with my senior in college. We dated for a few months and then had a long-distance relationship as he went abroad for further studies. It was only a few months after we got married that I realised he was gay. I was initially angry and upset but realised the pressure he was under, especially as Section 377, which criminalised homosexuality, was still in force when we got married,” she says, but admits that it did affect her self-confidence and self -esteem. “My family mocked me for having fallen in love with a gay man. I am still wary of relationships.”
Magdalene Jeyarathnam, Chennai-based therapist and director of East West Center for Counselling, who has been working with the LGBTQIA+ community since 2001, says that it’s often parental pressure that forces queer people into heterosexual marriages.
“Gay men have come to me days before their marriage. Many are afraid to disclose their sexual identity to their parents as they are scared that they will end their lives or cut them off,” she says. “But they also want to lead a life that’s true to themselves, and don’t want to ruin another person’s life.”
Parvesh Kumar, 32, a trans woman from Delhi, says she got married as her parents threatened to kill themselves. “They said that if other people get to know my gender identity they will not be able to show their face to anyone. And that nobody would marry my younger siblings.” Today, she has a six-year-old daughter but has other relationships as she is not physically attracted to her spouse.
It was family pressure that forced Delhi-based trans woman Vaishali also to get married. “I used to advise other community members not to be married against their will but it happened to me,” she says. “My wife is a nice person and takes care of my entire family but she is always irritable and unhappy as I rarely have sex with her. She suspects something is wrong but cannot speak about it openly to others. I do feel guilty.”
Jaya, general manager of Sahodaran, a male sexual health project in Chennai, says that many gay men get married to women without disclosing their sexual identity. “Some of them get divorced later saying that their wife is always angry and shouting at them, and their married life is unbearable,” she says, adding that legalisation of same sex marriages would help bring down the number of lavender marriages. “If marriage equality is achieved then it will help queer individuals convince their parents. Right now they are scared of being cut off or disowned.”
L Ramakrishnan of the NGO SAATHII says that the fact that there are so few openly queer people in history means that a lot of them were probably forced into or voluntarily chose heterosexual marriages as it was the socially-accepted norm.
“If you look at societies where there is no criminalisation of homosexuality or where civil unions are recognised, there is less pressure to be forced into a socially-accepted marriage,” he says. “But legal acceptance is not identical to social acceptance, which takes a longer time to come.”
There is also a gender angle. “A gay man may have more ability to tell their parents they don’t want to marry a woman whereas it may not be so easy for lesbians,” says Ramakrishnan.
Many lesbians and trans men forced to enter heterosexual unions are also subject to marital rape. “My parents knew I am a lesbian and even knew I had a girlfriend. But they forced me to marry a man as they felt having sex with a man and bearing a child would change my sexual orientation,” says Sanchita*, a lesbian based in Kerala. “I disclosed everything to my husband, but he still forced himself on me. I became pregnant in a few months and now I feel I have no choice but to remain with my spouse for the sake of my child.”
Magdalene says lavender marriages create complex, emotionally distressing situations for all parties concerned. “I have met people from the LGBTQIA+ community who have met someone on a dating app or social media and got together with them only to realise later that they are married,” she says. “That’s because many gay or bisexual people get married but seek relationships or hook ups online.”
Persons assigned female at birth face numerous challenges. “I have seen trans men who were forced into marriages,” says Magdalene, adding that due to social conditioning and lack of sex education some women realise they are lesbian only after they get married. “There is extreme pressure to get married and have children. The conditioning is so bad that women don’t even know if they are getting married for the sake of it or if it’s something they really want. It’s only after a few years into marriage, when they find it traumatic to have a sexual relationship with a man, they begin asking questions.”
In recent years, NGOs and activists working with the community have been encouraging people to accept their sexuality, and also slowly disclose it to parents or close family members.
“While there are still people who keep their sexuality a secret due to fear of social stigma, in the last couple of years I am seeing more people who, despite threats from their families, have been able to put their foot down and say they want to be true to themselves. Or, at least refuse to get married,” says Magdalene.
Karthick, 28, who identifies as a member of the kothi community (feminine or non-binary persons assigned male at birth, who may or may not transition medically or legally) says her family is pressuring her to get married to a woman.
“I look like a man and dress like one but inside I am a woman. So I like having sex with men, not women. They tried persuading me for several years but have now given up as they realised I won’t change my decision,” she says.
(*Some names have been changed to protect privacy)
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Timeline of same-sex marriage issue in court
November 25, 2022: Two same-sex couples — Supriyo Chakraborty and Abhay Dang, and Parth Phiroze Mehrotra and Uday Raj Anand — moves the Supreme Court (SC), seeking recognition of same-sex marriage under the Special Marriage Act. SC issues notices to the Centre, Attorney General of India.
December 14, 2022: The Supreme Court issues notice on another plea filed by a gay couple — an Indian and a US citizen — seeking legal recognition of their marriage under Foreign Marriage Act, 1969.
January 6, 2023: SC directs transfer of all petitions seeking legal recognition of same-sex marriage pending before different high courts to the Apex Court. There were 21 such petitions.
March 12, 2023: Centre files affidavit in SC opposing same-sex marriage.
March 13, 2023: SC refers the case to a Constitution bench.
April 1, 2023: Jamiat Ulama-I- Hind opposes pleas seeking legal recognition of same-sex marriages.
April 6, 2023: The Delhi Commission for Protection of Child Rights (DCPCR) files an intervention application supporting same-sex marriages and the right of same-sex couples to adoption.
April 15, 2023: SC notifies composition of five-judge bench to hear the batch of petitions seeking legal recognition for same-sex marriage.
April 17, 2023: Centre files fresh application, questioning the maintainability of the batch of pleas.
April 17, 2023: NCPCR seeks to intervene in pleas, saying children raised by same-sex parents may have limited exposure to traditional gender role models.
April 18, 2023: The five-judge Constitution bench begins hearing a batch of pleas seeking legal recognition of same-sex marriages in India.
May 11, 2023: The Constitution bench led by CJI DY Chandrachud reserves verdict.
October 17, 2023: SC refuses to recognize same-sex marriages or civil unions, placing the responsibility on the legislature. It also ruled against granting adoption rights to unmarried gay couples.
November 18, 2023: The Madras High Court urges the Tamil Nadu government to consider accepting a “Deed of Familial Association” as a legal document to recognise the rights of same-sex couples. The order was passed after a lesbian couple filed a plea seeking protection from their relatives.
November 23, 2023: Lawyer Utkarsh Saxena and his partner Ananya Koti files a review petition in the SC against the judgment in Supriyo v. Union of India
November 28, 2023: The SC agrees to consider a batch of petition seeking a reconsideration of its October 17 judgment that had refused to grant legal recognition to same-sex couples and said only Parliament and state legislatures can validate their marital unions.
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